I sit down at my desk at home, open my laptop, login to write few lines, or think about an idea and try to write it down on a piece of paper. I delete the former and tear the latter, and this has been almost a daily affair now. My creative juices are on a sabbatical and somehow they are not even sending me postcards. As a matter of fact it took me four attempts and four deletions to finally shift my gears and get some grip on myself.
I won’t hold myself and deny the ocean of pain and despair that I feel, at times I try to lift the corpse of emotions..look at them and after few unsuccessful attempts to wake them up I just leave them alone. Sometimes you need to leave your memories as it is, as memories shall trigger emotions, bitter or sweet, this shall urge your mind to start a chain of dormant expectations which were never met. Eventually it will leave you with a pungent aftertaste of puke. Best thing to do is to leave them alone.
I guess this piece of work that I am trying to write are scores away from anything inspirational, rather it is like dissecting my thoughts, or may be a kind of autopsy on the corpse that died long long time ago. When I look at myself closely I have been a rebel. Rebellious of anything that I couldn’t understand or when I could not feel the parity of it. Now I don’t understand the essence of it anymore, one of the reason may be the sense of belonging and gradual shift of attachment to nothing.
It’s not that I have not tried to fit in.When it was the needed, I also mastered the art of pretending to show how much I am concerned with the day-to-day hopeless mundane activities. It can be challenging for a regular guy to see things from a different lens, while he can step into my shoes but the vision shall still be blurry. You can judge me, but trust me it doesn’t matter an inch to me as it doesn’t matter to you. The purpose defined to us appears too shallow, and the real sense to it appears so far away. I guess that’s perfectly alright to feel like this once in a while as it keeps you grounded but again push you deeper into the sea of unknown.
I don’t seek for ‘friends’ but strangers and unknown, and the peace that I experience with myself while doing that is satisfying. Now that gets a bit complicated when most of us are seeking for the ‘perfect’ rendezvous and a well defined destination. That’s another matter that even that ‘perfect’ point may not bring down the search. As more confused as it gets just like this piece of write up wherein the subject might seem to be too complicated but when you get the go for the crux of it you will see it coming.
When everything seems to be sorted I love to get back to square one and erase all of the things the way it was created or achieved. There’s some kind of fun quotient in doing that. Initially I thought its a loser’s way but you know..just saying this might be the way of the ultimate (you can make your own references of what ultimate is for you), as we all are somehow trying to go back, well some are aware of it and some are still waiting for their turn to know about it. I guess I am somewhere in between.
If you are already confused then its fine, but those who could connect will already be in a state of vacuum. But that’s o.k. as silence will make you listen to the voices unknown bring you back to your ‘self’. Till then the search continues..